Spoof and Anecdote

Spoof And Anecdote

Spoof Text (“unpredictable funny things in the end”)

We Don’t Subscribe To Any Newspaper.

Jack was a university student. He studied history. At the end of the year, his history professor failed him in his examinations and  He was told to leave the university. The next day, Jack’s father went to see the professor. He urged the professor to continue his studies the following year. “ He’s a good boy,” said Jack’s father, “ and  if you give him a chance this time, I’m sure he will improve a long next year.”

No, no! that’s quite impossible!,” replied the professor ,” Do you know, last month  I asked him when Napoleon dead, and he could no to answer it.”

“Please, sir, give him another chance,” said Jack’s father,” You see, we don’t subscribe to any newspapers in our house, so none of us even knew that Napoleon  was ill.”              

Green, Pink, and yellow

Can you name the colors in English? Yes, you’re right. Blue, red, yellow and so on. By the way, I have a funny story about the colors. Do you want to hear it? Okay, listen to me carefully.

            One day, an English teacher was explaining about colors to his students. 

            After he had finished explaining, he asked his students. “ Who can make a sentence using the words  green, pink, and yellow?”

            James the cleverest student in the class, quickly raised up his hand and answered, “ When the yellow morning Sun comes, I see a beautiful girl wearing a pink dress walking through the green grass”.

            “ Great! James, you are a very good student.” Said the teacher.

            “ Me, me, Sir” Johnny, The most Stupid student in the class said while rising his hand. And then said, “ I heard the telephone was ringing green…..green, then I pink up the receiver and I said, “ Yellow, Who’s speaking there?”

           

New Baby

            A woman is sitting at home entertaining her parents who have come around to congratulate her on the girth of their first grandchild.

            “So, when can we see the baby?” asks the grandmother.

            “In a little while”, replies the mother.

            Sometime passes. The grandparents are looking quite anxious at this point.

            “So, when can we see the baby?”, asks the grandfather.

            “When the baby starts crying.”, replies the mother.

            The grandparents turn to look at each other, a little perplexed and ask, “Why do we have to wait until she starts crying?!”

            The mother snaps back, “Because I put her down somewhere this morning and I can’t remember where she is!”

Abu Ali Counts his Donkeys

One day Abu Ali went to the fair, and bought nine donkeys. He rode home on one of them the rest of the donkeys followed behind.

After a while Abu Ali said to himself, “I must make sure all my donkeys are here.” And he turned round to count them.

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Oh! Where’s number nine?” Abu Ali cried

He jumped down from his donkey. He looked behind the rocks and behind the trees. But there was no donkey to be seen.

“I’ll count them again,” Abu Ali said. “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. Oh, he must have come back.”

So Abu Ali climbed back on to the donkey and trotted away.

After a while he counted his donkeys again. He counted only eight! Once more he looked behind the rocks and behind the trees. But there was no donkey to be seen.

“I will count again,” he said, and this time there were nine.

Just then Abu Ali saw his friend Musa walking along the road. “Musa,” he called. “Help me to count my donkeys. I keep losing one. When I stop to count I have only eight, but when I get down looking for the ninth, there he is again!”

“Well, I can see ten donkeys, Abu Ali,” laughed Musa. “And the tenth donkey’s name is Abu Ali”

Time to Go to School!

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

Chiaaat….CRRACKK!

I’m a member of a martial art organization at school. one day, our organization arranged a martial art demonstrasion for student to persuade them into joining our organization. I was chosen as one of the permormers to perforn some of the martial art movement. during my performance, when I was doing a high kick,suddenly I heard a loud sound, “CRRACKK!!!” Oh my god ! my pants were torn apart at the buttock. Everyone laughed at me. I could only stand there with a blood red face. next thing I knew, I was running toward the toilet. Never again will I perform those movement in front of an audience.

Kick My Ass During Flag Ceremony

It happaened when I was still in junior high . that day, august 17, 1995, and I had to be at school before 7 am but I woke up late. Everything was I rush that morning. I skipped breakfast so that I wouldn’t be late at school. I had to perform in the ceremony since I was a member of PASKIBRA. Because I rushed through everything, I didn’t pay attention to what I wore to school. This proved to be an embarrasment for me. During the flag ceremony, almost all student were laughing.i didn’t know that they were laughing at me until one of my teachers told me that instead of wearing a uniform, I wore my home short wich were in the same color as my uniform. What made it worse, it had a “ Kick My Ass”sign written on its butt. I swear that was the day that I won’t ever forget for the rest of my life.

LOVING MONEY TOO MUCH

There was a man who liked money very much. He worked all of his life and wanted to save all of his money for his own future. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything.

Even, just before he died, he said to his wife; “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.” So he asked his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day, he really died. Then he was stretched out in the casket. The wife was sitting there in black clothes next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!”

She had a box in her hands. She came over with the box and placed it in the casket. After that the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Not long after that, her friend said, “I hope you were not crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.”
The wife turned to her friend and replied; “Yes, because I have promised.” Then she continued; “I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.” Feeling shocked, her friend said; “You mean that you have put every cent of his money in the casket with him?” Then the wife answered; “Surely I did. I got it all together, put all the money into my account and I just wrote him a check.”

Nasreddin’s Coat

One day Nasreddin had been invited to the dinner party. He went to the party by wearing old clothes.

When he arrived in the party, nobody looked at him and nobody gave him a seat. He got no food in the party so he went home and change his clothes

Next he put on his best clothes. He wore his newest coat and went to the party again. The host at once got up and came to meet him. The host offered him the best table and gave him a good seat and served him the best food

Nasreddin sat and put off his coat. He put his coat and said; “Eat the food, Coat!” the hosts and guests were very surprised and asked Nareddin; “What are doing?” Nasreddin replied calmly; “When I came here with my old clothes, nobody looked at me. Then I went home and put on my best clothes. I came back in my newest coat and you all give me this best food and drink. So, you give food to my coat instead of me”. Getting Nasreddin's answer, they just shook the head.

Honey, What's For Supper?

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

“Here's what you do,” said the doctor. “Start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

            That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, “I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, “Honey, what's for supper?”
No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what's for supper?” Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what's for supper?” Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. “Honey, what's for supper?” Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what's for supper?” “Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!”

American & Russian Submarines

German fisherman was at the sea with a small boat. After some time American submarine surfaced near him. The captain asked the fisherman: “Which way is Alaska?” The fisherman points his finger: “That way!”
            “Thanks!” says the American, shouts “South-South-East, bearing 159.5 degrees!” down the hatch and the submarine submerges.

Ten minutes later a Soviet submarine emerges. The Russian captain opens the hatch and asks the fisherman: “Where did the American submarine go?”

 The fisherman replies: “South-South-East bearing 159.5 degrees!”
“What?”, asked Russian captain.
“I said, they went to South-South-East bearing 159.5 degrees!”

“What did you mean of that? You’d better show us the direction with your finger, if
you don’t want us to sink you!”

Orientation : German fisherman… surfaced near him.
Event 1 : The captain asked… submarine submerges.
Event 2 : Ten minutes later… bearing 159.5 degrees!”
Twist : “What did you mean of that? You’d better show us the direction with your finger, if
you don’t want us to sink you!”

A woman was buying a broom in a store.

“Show me that one, please,” she says to the salesgirl.
The salesgirl brings it to her.
“No, that’s not what I want,” says the woman.
“Perhaps this one?” suggests the salesgirl.
“No, not that one either.”
“What about this one then?” The girl keeps on trying.
After twenty minutes more of this the woman says: “Very well, this one will do.”
“Madam,” says the harassed salesgirl, “Shall I wrap it for you or will you fly it home?”

For Rent

There was an advertisement at the newspaper : Apartment for rent, just for a family without children.

            A man visited to that apartment, think for a moment, then agree with the rules. But tomorrow, he move to the apartment with his wife and seven kids!! The owner of apartment gets angry.

“Sir, yesterday I was telling you! This apartment was just for rent for a family without children!”

“What children?” answer the man. “You said this seven are children? No!! They’re monsters!”

Costumers Are Right

Marto had apprenticeship at repairing shop in middle semester holiday. In the third day, Marto fought with the costumer. Then he called by the owner.

“Marto, your behavior was very bad. The all of workers at this repairing shop are prohibited to fight with the costumer. In this repairing shop, the costumers are always right!”

“But sir…” Marto can’t continuing his words because being cut by the owner.

“Don’t be protest! Ok, I will forgive you. But next time don’t be happen again. Now tell me, what happened with that costumer?” asked the owner of repairing shop.

“We fought because the costumer said that the owner of repairing shop was pettifogging and likes to corrupt…” said Marto.

Rope

Ian, Marto and Harsya have climbed the mountain. The roads to the mountain pass was very slippery because of rain. Even they are walking carefully, on their way to the mount, Ian got slipped and fell to the cliff. Marto threw the rope to helping Ian.

“Ian, hold this rope! I will pull up you!” shouted Marto.
“I can’t… Both of my arms are broken!” answer Ian.
“Ok, bite the rope!” said Marto.

After Ian bite that rope, Marto and Harsya pull up Ian steeply. Finally Ian can reach the edge of cliff. Harsya, who worried with his friend, asked Ian when Ian still biting the rope.

“Your head are okay, Ian?” asked Harsya.
“No, Harsya!” answer Ian.

Then Ian fell again to the cliff.

Pesticide Juice

            A month ago, Tama and his family sells juice, like tomato juice, orange juice, etc. But because of the costumers were didn’t really like the juices, so Tama’s family closed the selling juice and opened farming medicine shop like insecticide, pesticide, compost, etc.

One night later, Dea met with Tama. Tama’s head was bandaged, and his eyes was black-blue.
“What happened with you?” asked Dea.
“I have been hit by the costumer” answered Tama.
“Hit by costumer? Why?”
“Yeah, yesterday at the afternoon, I was selling farming medicine. Then a costumer came in and asked for liquid pesticide. Subconciously, I said like when I sell the juice a month ago,’Do you want to pack it or drink here?’. Finally I got hit by the costumer…”

Two Police

One day a man give a humor in Bus Halte to a woman,
“You know why police always walk in pairs?”
“No, why?”
“This is special : One can reading, and the others can writing”
Suddenly a hand holding the man’s shoulder. That’s the police behind him!
“Your paper!” barks him.
The man gave his humor paper, and the police read it. Then he nod at his friend and said, “Write traffic ticket letter because he insult Soviet Police, Vasya”

Lenin in Polandia

An artist was presenting his best painting about relationship between Soviet and Poland. The title was “Lenin in Poland”.
Of course many people want to see it. So, one day all of people come to Kremlin to see it. But then people was very surprised. The painting was not Lenin, but Lenin’s wife, Nadezhda Krupskaya kissing with Leon Trotsky.
“But this is degradation! Where is Lenin?” ask them.
The artist answered, “Lenin in Poland”.

Orientation : An artist was presenting his best painting about relationship between Soviet and Poland. The title was “Lenin in Poland”.
Event : Of course many people want … Where is Lenin?” ask them.
Twist :The artist answered, “Lenin in Poland”.

Safety First

One day after class, there was a safety drill at my school – a technology vocational school. The instructor showed the importance of wearing safety gear on a building site, such as a helmet, safety shoes, and gloves. He also mentioned that we must always put on our seatbelt in a car. Then we all were given a chance to try on those safety gadgets.

When the drill was over, my friends and I walked to the car of one of my friends. We always go home together because we live in the same housing complex. I sat in the front seat, next to the driver. I buckled the seatbelt, and I turned my head facing my friends in the back.

“ Don’t forget to buckle up, guys! Don’t forget, safety first!”
to my surprise, their exploded into laughter.

“ Hey, come on, guys. You know that I’m right, “ I said to defend myself.
“ Yeah, yeah. You’re right. But you don’t have to wear a helmet in a car!”

My gosh! I forgot to take off the helmet I had been wearing. I opened the car door and ran to return the helmet. With a red face, of course.
Ever since, my friends have teased me with the words.

Elementary, My Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replies, “I see millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks, “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!”

ANECDOTE

Penguin In The Park

Once a man was walking in a park when he came across a penguin. He took him to a policeman and said, ‘ I have just found this penguin. What should I do?’ The policeman replied, ‘ take him to the zoo’. 

The next day the policeman saw the same man in the same park and the man was still carrying the penguin with him. The policeman was rather surprised and walked up to the man and asked, ‘Why are you still carrying that penguin about? Didn’t you take it to the zoo? ‘I certainly did,’ replied the man. ‘ and it was a great idea because he really enjoyed it, so today I’m taking him to the moviest!

“That Phone is Off”

Soon after he left college, Dave found one of his uncles who was very rich and had no children of his own died and left him a lot of money, so he decided to set up his own real estate agency. Dave found a nice office. He bought some new furniture and moved in. he had only been there for e few hours when he heard someone coming toward the door of his office. “It must be my first customer” Dave thought. He quickly picked up the telephone and pretended to be very busy answering an important  call from someone in New York who wanted to buy a big and expensive house in the country. The man knocked at the door while this was going on. He came in and waited politely for Dave to finish his conversation on the phone. 

Then the man said to Dave; “I am from the telephone company and I was sent here to connect your telephone”

Blessing Behind Tragedy

There was a black family in Scotland years ago. They were Clark family with nine children. They had a dream to go to America. The family worked and saved. They were making plan to travel with their children to America. It had taken several years but finally they had saved enough money. They had gotten passport. They had booked seats for the whole family member in a new liner to America. 

The entire family was full of anticipation and excitement with their new life in America. However few days before their departure, the youngest son was bitten by a dog. The doctor sewed up the boy. Because of the possibility of getting rabies, there were being quarantined for long days. They were in quarantine when the departure time came. The family dreams were dashed. They could not make the trip to America as they had planned.

The father was full of disappointed and anger. He stomped the dock to watch the ship leaved without him and his family. He shed tears of disappointment. He cursed both his son and God for the misfortune.

Five days latter, the tragic news spread throughout Scotland. The ship, the mighty Titanic, had shank. It took hundreds of passenger and crew with it. Titanic which had been called the unsinkable ship had sunk. It was unbelievable but it was.

The Clark family should have been on that ship, but because of the bitten son by a dog, they were left behind. When the father heard the news, he hugged the son and thanked him for saving the family. He thanked God for saving their lives. It was a blessing behind a tragedy. 

The Power of Tradition

The young husband clearly loved to cook and the dinners he served his new wife convinced her that she was indeed a lucky woman.

One thing puzzled her, though, and at last she decided to enquire. “Oh, my dear. Why do you always cut a small piece off the end of the roast before you put it into the oven?”

“Well, to tell the truth. I do it because my mother always does it,” he replied.

At the next family gathering, the wife decided to satisfy her curiosity. She drew her mother in law aside and put the question to her. The older woman went a bit red, and replied, “Well, to tell the truth, I do it because my mother always does it.”

Undaunted, the wife waited until they paid a visit to eighty years old Nan. Knowing she’d enjoy hearing the story, she told her about her persevering quest to find the answer to the chopped off roast.

“Incredible,” she croacked. “Imagine the two of them doing that!. ”Why, I only cut the piece off because my pan was too small.”

Donuts, Root Beer and God

There once was a little boy who wanted to meet God.
He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with donuts and a six-pack of root beer, and he started his journey.
            When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old man. He was sitting in the park just staring at some pigeons.
            The boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old man looked hungry so he offered him a donut.
            He gratefully accepted it and smiled at him. His smile was so incredible that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer. Once again, he smiled at him.

The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old man, and gave him a hug.

The old man gave him his biggest smile ever
When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later; his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?"

He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? He's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"

Meanwhile, the old man, also radiant with joy on his face was asked by his son, "Father, what did you do today that made you so happy?" He replied, "I ate donuts in the park with God."

Bupt before his son could respond, he added, "You know, he's much younger than I expected."

Never underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or even the smallest act of caring! All have the potential to turn a life around.